Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
