And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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