I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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