And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
