Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
