the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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