I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
