I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
