Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
