I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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