You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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