I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
