FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
