I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
