Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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