I can feel you judging me through the phone.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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