I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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