If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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