Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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