I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
