Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize
