I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
