Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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