I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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