??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
