mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
