I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
