My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
