I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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