If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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