Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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