my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
