Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
