Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
