I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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