I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
