dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
the liver wants what the liver wants
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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