I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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