If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
