I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
