If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Im part way to drunk.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
