I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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