So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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