He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
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I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
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The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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