I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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