the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
