9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
