When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
