I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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