Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
