It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
jump out the window naked night went bad
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