I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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