I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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