quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
