I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
