Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
