The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
