he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
